Adopted

Adoptive parenting is the same as, and different from, parenting children by birth. It is the same in that parents love their children and want what's best for them, and worry about their child's health and well being in the same way that biological parents do.

It's different because adopted children face unique challenges and feelings related to being part of an adoptive family. These challenges include feeling different from children who were not adopted, feelings about why they were placed for adoption, feelings about birth parents, as well as concerns about handling questions by peers and adults about their adoption. Adoptive parents need to know how they can help their children to successfully handle those challenges. 

When children are having trouble with feelings related to adoption, their behavior often reflects it. Communication about the impact of adoption, within families and also with others, is not easy to initiate. The emotions can become quite strong and result in new behaviors:

•  Withdrawal from others;
•  Daydreaming in school, changes in school performance (falling grades, not completing homework assignments);
• Angry outbursts, temper tantrums, or aggressive behavior with siblings, peers, or adults;
• Anxiety, fearful behavior, or difficulty being apart from parents;
• Changes in eating or sleeping patterns.

These behaviors can certainly wreak havoc on family relationships and result in worry and conflict. The behaviors do not necessarily mean that the child is experiencing difficulty related to adoption, but only a therapist who understands post-adoption challenges can help decipher the problem.

It is important to note that post-adoption issues can also surface during adolescence, a life stage that can often be a challenging time for any family.

Teens are trying to figure out their identities: who they are. As teens struggle to formulate their identity and figure out who they are, having two sets of parents can complicate this task because adopted teens must determine how they are like and different from both their adoptive and birth parents, whom they may have little or no information about.

Adopted teens often have more anxiety about emotionally separating from parents, as well as leaving home.

Andy can help the adoptive family to understand what impact, if any, adoption may be having, and they can help the parents to learn how they can help their child.

Adopted children are sometimes reluctant to discuss adoption with their parents for fear of hurting them. If for example, they are wondering about their birth parents, such thoughts may make them feel disloyal when in fact they love their family very much.

As a family therapist, Andy can provide the support a child needs to open communication with his family. The therapist can also help parents identify other steps to assist their child. For example, both parents and children may need to learn effective ways to handle the many comments and questions they receive from others about adoption.

When school difficulties are involved, the family therapist can assist the family in correctly assessing what the child needs. In addition to emotional difficulties related to adoption, children may be experiencing learning challenges or other difficulties like Attention Deficit Disorder. The therapist can assist the parents in advocating for whatever additional services might be required of the school, such as educational testing and changes in school placement.

An area where family therapists can be particularly helpful to adoptive families is the array of new challenges arising from increased contact between birth and adoptive families. As families work through these relationships, and the way they may change over time, a trained professional can help to ensure positive communication and comfortable boundaries, which benefit the child and strengthen family relationships.

There are times when adoptive parents question whether they are adequately meeting their adopted child's needs. Whether it's anxiety related to talking with their child about adoption, discomfort related to some aspect of their child's personality or functioning, or issues related to relationships with extended family members, family therapists can provide parents with assistance in working out their concerns and strengthening family ties.